How Do I Stop Hating My Spouse After He Cheated And Had An Affair?

I sometimes hear from wives who feel a good deal of anger and hatred toward their husband after they catch him cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, the intensity of these feelings take these wives by surprise. They are stunned. Most will tell you that they are not the type of person who feels negative emotions like hatred. Most are able to look the other way when someone angers them. And most will tell you that they never would have believed that they could feel hatred toward the man who they loved more than anyone else. However, that is what they are feeling now – white hot hatred that takes over everything else.

Many are scared by these feelings. Some have children and know that feeling this way toward their children’s father is not going to do anyone any good. Many wish that they could stop the feelings in their tracks, but find that they can not just turn it off and on. They might say: “if you had told me five years ago that I would one day feel this type of hatred toward my husband, I would have called you a liar. I adore my husband. I truly do. That is, until I caught him cheating on me. Now I feel so angry and betrayed that I literally think that I hate him. And that is very hard for me because just last week, I thought about how lucky I was and how much I loved him. But I can’t get over what he has done to me and what he risked and may just throw away. However, I have children and a business with him so I know that I can not go the rest of my life hating him. I know that I need to eventually let down these feelings, but I can’t even fathom how it would be possible because I feel this choking anger every waking hour. I look at him and my blood boils. How do women not just absolutely hate their husbands after infidelity?”

I can not speak for anyone else, but I am willing to share some of my feelings with you in the hopes that it will help. Make no mistake. I was absolutely furious with my husband for cheating and at times thought about doing him bodily harm (although I know that I never would have actually gone through with this. I did, however, destroy plenty of household items and mementos.) I really can not overstate how angry I was. And I stayed that way for quite a while. Right now, you can not see beyond the anger, which is understandable. It can take a while for you to be able to set that aside and to think rationally. Do not be so hard on yourself for that. It is normal.

In my own case, I came to learn that while I could not turn off my feelings, I could redirect them. Like you, I did not want for my children to be exposed to any aspect of the affair, so if I were really angry when we were all together, I would busy or excuse myself. If I was so angry that I might say or do something that I would regret, I would try to avoid or escape the situation. I would wait to interact until another time. Or I’d simply tell my husband that I needed a break for a while and he would give that to me.

I do have to admit that one thing that likely contributed to the fact that I no longer harbor any hatred is that my husband did the right thing pretty quickly. He was remorseful, ended the affair, and agreed to do whatever I wanted or needed. If he had dragged his feet with this, the outcome may have been different. He pretty much did what I asked of him, although we both had resentments and hurt feelings along the way.

At the end of the day, I didn’t carry that hate with me because I decided to hate the action and the behavior rather than person. I hated the decision. I did not hate him. I can not deny that good people sometimes do bad things and make mistakes. I had to look at the totality of our marriage and decide for myself if the good that my husband had done had outweighed the bad. The truth is, it was not even close. My husband has been a rock for my entire family for years and years. He has taken care of myself and my children while thinking very little of himself. Did he do that when he cheated? Absolutely not. But I could not negate years of good behavior by days of bad behavior. A very close family member of mine (who has now passed away) was an alcoholic. Because of this, part of my childhood was very painful and at times, I have felt resentment and anger. But now that the family member is gone, I realize that I can hate the disease and still love the person. This family member was otherwise loving and kind. You can’t erase those qualities over one negative thing.

Should I Stop Begging For Forgiveness After My Affair So My Spouse Might Actually Forgive Me?

Most of the people who I hear from are upset because their spouse has been cheating and they aren’t sure how to move forward in a healthy way. Sometimes, though, I hear from the person who cheated. They too want to move forward in a healthy way, but their spouse is often very reluctant to trust them or to even give them a chance. They are often looking for the best strategy to get their spouse to listen to them and to at least give them some sort of opportunity.

Many have tried completely falling on the sword and begging for forgiveness. They will make every promise under the sun. They will promise to go to counseling or allow their spouse to call the shots or do whatever it takes to get their spouse not to leave them. Still, many times, this is not enough for the faithful spouse. They are understandably hurt and are reluctant to trust again. So the cheating spouse may begin to explore other options. Sometimes, well-meaning friends and family will tell the cheating spouse that they are being too much of a “pushover.” This can leave the spouse unsure as to what type of stance he or she should take in order to get even a small chance to save the marriage.

For example, a wife might say: “I have literally begged my husband to not end our marriage. I can’t blame him for being angry. I cheated on him and that is inexcusable. If the roles were reversed, I am not sure that I could forgive him. But I want him to forgive me because I do not want to break up my family and do this to our children. I have told my husband that I will do anything to make this up to him. I will go to counseling. I will stay home every night. I will drop my friends that my husband doesn’t like and thinks are a bad influence. I will do whatever it takes. My husband hasn’t completely shut me down or anything. But he won’t give me any sort of commitment and he won’t tell me that he’s even thinking about forgiving me or letting me back in. It basically works like this. I sulk around being terribly sorry and he acts as if I don’t exist. I ask him if I can make him dinner or get him anything and he basically refuses to allow me to do anything while not even looking at me. He acts like I’m just a bother. When I discuss this with my friends, they say that I should play hard ball a little more and not be as much of a pushover or be as accommodating. They say that I am almost inviting my husband to be mean to me because I’m acting like I don’t deserve respect. They say that yes, I made a mistake, but I’m not a bad person. Are they right? Should I pretend that I’m going to walk so that maybe he won’t want to lose me and then be a little more willing to hear me out?”

I’m going to try very hard to help, but have never been in your position. In fact, I have been in the opposite position (as the faithful spouse,) but this is actually why I think that I can help. Had my husband tried to play hard ball or pretend that he was going to walk if I hadn’t been receptive to him, well, I have to say that I might have opened the door for him. I would not have had any patience for this type of game playing. Essentially, I was waiting for my husband to show me his sincerity, not his attempts at manipulation. I was waiting to see if he was going to give up and then not make good on his promises. I was not just going to blindly believe his claims or just believe in him without first seeing him do the work.

Once he did everything he promised, I did begin to trust him again. He proved to me that I did not need to break up our family because it was not in my best interest to do so. I suspect that your husband may be watching and waiting in the same way. He’s looking for continued sincerity. It’s one thing to say all of the right things. It’s another thing to do all of the right things when you aren’t sure that anyone is watching. This type of rehabilitation just takes time, unfortunately. An affair does an awful lot of damage and you can’t just expect to make it right through words and reassurances. You have to make it right through repeated actions. There is no way to rush this.

Trying to rush it by playing hard ball or not being accommodating is almost emotional blackmail. It also indicates that you care more about your own time frame than on reassuring your spouse. It’s just not a good strategy at all. If anything, it will make your spouse doubt you more. So if you sincerely want is a spouse who believes in you again, manipulating them is about the worst way to go about it. Be sincere. Hang in there. And know that it might be rough for a while. But if you’re serious about your marriage, what other choice is there?

Stop Marital Affairs In Their Tracks

Your partner has become distant from you, has became more unfriendly to you recently, or they are no longer willing to talk. This has become the issue rather quickly, maybe even overnight. It only happens to the best of us, you’re not alone when it comes to a change in your spouse’s attitude, reactions, or actions. It’s time to stop the marital affairs right where they are at.

Marital affairs can be devastating to a lot of people. It could easily bring down your self-esteem as well as your trust. Not to mention, it can also damage your marriage. It doesn’t need to be devastating, the natural reaction when someone is cheating is to either run or fight.

You need to learn how to control your emotions in an effective way. Your emotions can cause you to do things that you will regret in the long run. You will also need to understand what the end results would be if you carry out on getting even. You may want to slip into bed with a co-worker because you have found out that your spouse is sleeping with someone else. Don’t let this trick you, remember that two wrongs will never make a right. There are a large number of problems that you could add to this by getting even including STDs, feelings of guilt, and unwanted pregnancy. This is where you could make the matter a lot worse by trying to get revenge by doing the same thing to your spouse that they did to you.

Anyone in a marriage understands that communication is the primary key to make it work for you as well as your spouse. Take the opportunity to ask some questions about why your marriage doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Will your spouse flat out confess or are they just going to show it off. This is definitely something that you should try, sometimes it is the best way to truly find out if they are faithful or not. This could also stop the affair dead in its tracks if they start thinking about how bad it is going to continue to hurt the relationship.

Don’t hold on to what has happened before. By dragging the dusty books out of the closet, you can set your relationship up for instant failure. What has been done is done, there isn’t any way to change that, just learn from it and move on. It’s definitely not worth risking the future of your relationship.

Take what has happened with your marriage in the past and learn from it. Even if it is an affair, it can help you realize exactly what needs to be done to minimize the chances of another affair or stop the current affair before it becomes too late to fix the relationship. By learning from the past, you can easily build a good enough defense to try and prevent this from happening.

These are just a few of the ways that you can stop marital affairs as well as prevent them. There are many other ways such as seeking help from a professional, finding trust, and taking some of the blame since you should have paid a lot more attention to your marriage. I hope that this article helps you in stopping the affair that could cost you the future of your marriage.