My Husband Continues To Lie After His Affair

Many wives who are dealing with infidelity understandably want the complete truth about every single, tiny detail of their husband’s life and thoughts. It might seem like overkill to some, but when you’ve been betrayed and fooled by a spiderweb of lies, then it can get to a point where you’ll only tolerate 100% of the truth at all times. This can include the mundane details of everyday life – and those little things that most would consider not important. Under this lens, many wives find that their husbands are still floating untruths, no matter how small. Understandably, this can get a wife’s suspicions up even when it’s possible that there is nothing amiss.

She might say, “I used to kind of shrug and sometimes laugh when my husband would downplay certain things or tell little white lies. For the most part, this was harmless. For example, he might lie on how much money he spent or when he last called his sister or mother. He might downplay how much time he spent at a bar or silly things like that. These are harmless things. But, since his affair, even small things like this are intolerable to me and it’s becoming a much bigger problem. I am now extremely sensitive to lies because his lying is what allowed him to successfully carry out his affair. It’s also why I did not suspect him until the affair had become a real problem. We fought an awful lot about his lying about or omitting details about the affair. I fought hard for the truth. I stressed that I could not move on until I felt that he had told me everything. So, little bits of additional information seeped out. I thought that once this was behind us, he would have learned that he needed to tell the truth. And yet, I still catch him in little white lies. He’ll tell me that he ate lunch at a certain place and come to find out, he ate somewhere else. Or he will mix up the order that he did things. When I confront him, he gets defensive and says that he misspoke and that it’s impossible to accurately account for every single second of his day. He told me that I should try it if I think that it’s so easy. Honestly, I know where I’ve eaten. Accurately. Every time. I admit that my husband can be scatterbrained at times. But I would think if he knows that honesty is important to me, he would make more of an effort. Am I wrong about this? To me, especially now, accuracy is vital. I have no patience for even small lies. Am I overreacting?”

I don’t think that you are. What you are going through is normal. I reacted in the same way. But I did find something interesting, at least in my own case. Sometimes, a mistake is just a mistake. For example, in the early stages of our recovery, I thought it was such a huge deal every time my husband misspoke. I thought that it was potentially catastrophic every time that he was late. He insisted that he was being truthful and sincere. And now, years later, I can look back and I can see that he was indeed telling me the truth. Because in the years since that time, he has done exactly what he claimed. But at the time, when things were so fresh that I assumed that every small suspicion meant for sure that he might be cheating again. And these suspicions meant that I absolutely could not be objective. So in my case, I saw problems where none existed. That said, a friend of mine assumed the best of her husband and he cheated again. So you just never know. My strategy became that the benefit of the doubt would be given until it didn’t make sense to do that anymore. If too many things are suspicious, well then, it’s prudent to pay attention. But if someone just misspeaks every once in a while and otherwise their behavior is sound, then that can be normal.

Honestly, one of the best things to try in this situation is to have a counselor ask your husband about inconsistencies. That way, you don’t have to be the bad guy and you don’t have to feed into your paranoia and suspicions. If your husband rejects counseling, try self-help that lists concrete questions to ask. Have your husband write out the answers so that this way, he is accountable for them. If what he claims turns out to be not true, you have a written record of it. But if he’s telling the truth, you don’t need to revisit it.

There is nothing wrong with insisting on complete transparency and truth after an affair. Both are necessary. If he’s lying consistently and about important things, that can be concerning. But if he’s just misspeaking about innocent things when you’re trying to “catch him” at every turn, then that can be more innocent. It’s usually the combination of his untruths and his behavior that is the most concerning. Some men aren’t great with details, but they show their loyalty consistently and they do everything that you ask of them. This distinction can be important.

Affairs – My Husband is Having an Affair Because I Let Myself Go!

Your husband has just told you he has been having an affair. He says he still loves you but the new woman is exciting and cares about the way she looks. His question to you is. Why did you let yourself go?

Affairs are heartbreakers. They often come like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere and leave a path of betrayal and disaster. When your husband explains that he had an affair because you no longer looked like the girl he married it is going to really hurt. Part of you is so angry and you want to throw something while the other wants to pack a bag and leave.

Does he have a point? When you first met you were meticulous in your dress code. Your hair was always lovely and your make up perfect. The thing is men are really affected by looks and if their Cinderella suddenly turns into the ugly stepsister can you blame him for looking elsewhere. Men have a different point of view about things like this as they are more sexually driven. They have more magazines of nude girls on the stands than we do of men in that undressed fashion. Do you catch us in the store ogling at the centrefold? No we are too busy doing the shopping and buying the kids new shoes.

So after having a few kids you may have let yourself go. You may have added some weight and not been to the hairdresser for a while. You can scream at your husband that they do not understand what it is like to be pregnant. But will he listen? The problem here is he may be the most caring dad in the world but he still wants his woman looking fine.

If getting your appearance back together means saving the marriage surely it is worth it. Please do not get me wrong I am strong and very independent lady but I keep myself looking good. It makes me feel great and it adds to the romance.

Sometimes when women are having babies they do not feel the same as men. Since they guys do not bear much change their urges and needs do not change. You see men think they signed a contract that meant this gorgeous woman they married would stay looking good forever. When you are ready to jump ship in the marriage maybe think about a quick makeover first and remember men think differently.

Both My Husband And I Had Affairs – Is A Separation The Best Option?

I sometimes hear from folks who are dealing with an infidelity situation that is doubly troubling because both spouses have cheated on one another. This means that there are now two sets of issues to work through and to recover from. And it can make an already volatile situation almost unbearable.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me first. I suppose my own cheating was in retaliation. But, we cheated during the span of about six weeks apart so the pain from the infidelity is very fresh for both of us. We can’t seem to interact without ending up yelling at one another. It’s very difficult for us to be in the same room. It’s sort of weird that we are both so angry because we are both guilty of the exact same thing. I wish we could just agree that since we both made mistakes, then we’ll just start over with a clean slate, but this doesn’t seem to be possible for us. Last night, my husband suggested that maybe one of us should move out so that will be separated. I’m not sure if this is going to be a good idea. On the one hand, we probably do need a break from one another. But on the other hand, I worry that if we separate, our marriage might be over. As angry as I am at him, I don’t think that I want to end my marriage. Is it best to just separate for a while when both people cheated?”

This is a tough question because there are pros and cons to separating when infidelity has made things so volatile. In the following article, I will discuss the pros and cons and I’ll also suggest a compromise.

The Advantages Of Separating After Both People Have Cheated: As the wife suspected, there are a few advantages to living apart after mutual infidelity. The first is that taking a break can help with the volatility. It can allow time for things to calm down so that eventually progress made be made.

Because if all you are doing is yelling at or avoiding one another, it’s unrealistic to think that you’re going to make any progress with your marriage unless something changes. So sometimes, the separation can spark this type of change when both people have the space to calm down. Also, a separation can give you some perspective. And sometimes, it encourages the spouses to miss one another and to see things more clearly so that when they do come together, they are much more cooperative and motivated than they otherwise would have been. However, these things can come with a price or with risks, which I will discuss now.

The Cons Of Separating After Mutual Infidelity: A lot of things can go wrong in this situation. Often, the biggest problem that I see is suspicions running rampant. Since the spouses aren’t with one another all of the time, they worry that their spouse is continuing to see the other person or will tempted to cheat again. This can lead to accusations that only add to the volatility.

Also, there’s a real risk that there will be no regular communication. Having no communication or no ability to check in can also lead to assumptions that aren’t true. Sometimes, one or both of the spouses will assume the worst case scenario so that things continue to deteriorate between the couple.

And if you aren’t actively trying to make things better between you, then you risk that the separation will become the status quo or will even become permanent, which is the opposite of what you want if you deep down want to save your marriage.

A Possible Compromise: I do understand that some couples want nothing less than to live apart for a while. Sometimes, they decide that nothing else will do and they will not be talked out of this. If this is your situation, then I strongly suggest agreeing on regular times to meet and to discuss things. Counseling works wonderfully for this, but I do realize that some are resistant to it. You can always just agree to meet for dinner once a week to try to improve and evaluate things in a calm manner and in an objective place. Because if you don’t, you’re expecting for things to just miraculously improve on their own, which isn’t always likely.

I think that an even better possibility is to agree to give one another space while still living together, even if it is on opposite sides of the house. Someone can always move into a spare bedroom or office. This will hopefully cut down on the tension but will also avoid the suspicions and the wrong assumptions. However, I still advocate making a vow to discuss and to try to improve your situation regularly if you want to save your marriage. And this is true regardless of which of the above scenarios you choose.

So to answer the question posed, separating after mutual infidelity can help with some issues, but it can make others worse. That’s why I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do in all situations. Instead, I suggest looking for alternatives or at least vowing to be in regular contact if you do chose to separate which hopefully ends up being a short amount of time.