How Do I Stop Hating My Spouse After He Cheated And Had An Affair?

I sometimes hear from wives who feel a good deal of anger and hatred toward their husband after they catch him cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, the intensity of these feelings take these wives by surprise. They are stunned. Most will tell you that they are not the type of person who feels negative emotions like hatred. Most are able to look the other way when someone angers them. And most will tell you that they never would have believed that they could feel hatred toward the man who they loved more than anyone else. However, that is what they are feeling now – white hot hatred that takes over everything else.

Many are scared by these feelings. Some have children and know that feeling this way toward their children’s father is not going to do anyone any good. Many wish that they could stop the feelings in their tracks, but find that they can not just turn it off and on. They might say: “if you had told me five years ago that I would one day feel this type of hatred toward my husband, I would have called you a liar. I adore my husband. I truly do. That is, until I caught him cheating on me. Now I feel so angry and betrayed that I literally think that I hate him. And that is very hard for me because just last week, I thought about how lucky I was and how much I loved him. But I can’t get over what he has done to me and what he risked and may just throw away. However, I have children and a business with him so I know that I can not go the rest of my life hating him. I know that I need to eventually let down these feelings, but I can’t even fathom how it would be possible because I feel this choking anger every waking hour. I look at him and my blood boils. How do women not just absolutely hate their husbands after infidelity?”

I can not speak for anyone else, but I am willing to share some of my feelings with you in the hopes that it will help. Make no mistake. I was absolutely furious with my husband for cheating and at times thought about doing him bodily harm (although I know that I never would have actually gone through with this. I did, however, destroy plenty of household items and mementos.) I really can not overstate how angry I was. And I stayed that way for quite a while. Right now, you can not see beyond the anger, which is understandable. It can take a while for you to be able to set that aside and to think rationally. Do not be so hard on yourself for that. It is normal.

In my own case, I came to learn that while I could not turn off my feelings, I could redirect them. Like you, I did not want for my children to be exposed to any aspect of the affair, so if I were really angry when we were all together, I would busy or excuse myself. If I was so angry that I might say or do something that I would regret, I would try to avoid or escape the situation. I would wait to interact until another time. Or I’d simply tell my husband that I needed a break for a while and he would give that to me.

I do have to admit that one thing that likely contributed to the fact that I no longer harbor any hatred is that my husband did the right thing pretty quickly. He was remorseful, ended the affair, and agreed to do whatever I wanted or needed. If he had dragged his feet with this, the outcome may have been different. He pretty much did what I asked of him, although we both had resentments and hurt feelings along the way.

At the end of the day, I didn’t carry that hate with me because I decided to hate the action and the behavior rather than person. I hated the decision. I did not hate him. I can not deny that good people sometimes do bad things and make mistakes. I had to look at the totality of our marriage and decide for myself if the good that my husband had done had outweighed the bad. The truth is, it was not even close. My husband has been a rock for my entire family for years and years. He has taken care of myself and my children while thinking very little of himself. Did he do that when he cheated? Absolutely not. But I could not negate years of good behavior by days of bad behavior. A very close family member of mine (who has now passed away) was an alcoholic. Because of this, part of my childhood was very painful and at times, I have felt resentment and anger. But now that the family member is gone, I realize that I can hate the disease and still love the person. This family member was otherwise loving and kind. You can’t erase those qualities over one negative thing.

What Is The Likelihood Of A Second Affair After A Man Has Cheated Once?

I often hear from women who are dealing with infidelity and who admit that, in a perfect world, they would like to one day be able to save their marriage. But of course, almost all of them have reservations and doubts. One of the biggest concerns that I hear is the fear of repeat cheating. It is absolutely normal to worry that the very second that you allow yourself to trust him again, he’s going to repeat cheat and absolutely shatter you. The fear is so large and so real that some people consider not attempting to save the marriage for the fear of the second affair.

Someone might say, “I need to know the likelihood that my husband is going to cheat again. He swears that he won’t. He is saying and doing the right things. And yet, I can not bring myself to trust him completely. I am always on guard. Trying to get through this process has taken everything that I have. It has shattered what I thought I knew about my husband and my marriage. I am suspicious of everyone and everything. I see the world as a hostile place now and this was never true before. It has placed a dark cloud over everything. I am slowly trying to recover, but it has been crippling. I can’t do this again. My husband swears that he would never put himself in this position again. I want to believe him. But he found a way to cheat once, so who is to say that he will not cheat again? What do statistics say about the likelihood of a second affair?”

If you have looked, I’m sure you have seen that the statistics vary. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an agreement. I have seen three sets of statistics. One indicated that only 22 percent of people cheated more than once. Another contradicted that and said that as many as 55 percent of people repeat cheat. Plus there was an online survey of people who’d had affairs and 60 percent of them said that they had been unfaithful more than once. (I would take this one with a grain of salt, as the folks who are online and willing to talk about their infidelity might be a different subset than the people who just want to move on with their lives.) However, as you can see, the statistics vary widely, but you can get as high as about half of the unfaithful people will cheat again. And you can get as low as only 1/4.

I understand why you want to know about statistics. I can spout off a lot of statistics about affairs and their recovery because I did a lot of research due to my own experience. But I can tell you something else. You can read statistics all day long, but truly, they don’t have any impact on your life. Just because a certain number of other couples have one experience, that does not mean that you will.

The better indicator of whether you will deal with another affair is not what happens with other couples – it is what happens with your husband, with yourself, and with your recovery. I can tell you something else that I learned. You can only do as much as is humanly possible and there are still no guarantees, but it does get better. Time is a wonderful tool with this. Early in our recovery, I always worried over the slightest little perception of deception. Most of the time, it was just my suspicions working overtime But with time, you begin to see that your first fears aren’t coming true and you allow yourself to relax just a tiny bit more. And one day, you realize that if you do the counseling, if you insist that your husband take responsibility and become rehabilitated, and if you work on yourself and you become as strong as you possibly can, then at some point, you have to just take a breath and know that you can’t fully control this. You can and should make your marriage and your recovery as strong as possible. And you should always be aware. If my husband started acting weird tomorrow or showing troubling behaviors, of course I would be concerned and I would investigate that. But I no longer want to live my life always on my guard. My husband and I worked long enough and hard enough that I feel safe in releasing just a bit. If my husband’s behaviors made it necessary for me to change, then I would, but I got tired of living my life for fear of tomorrow.

You are early on in this process, so you haven’t had the advantage of time yet. But if you are still invested in your marriage, then you can only see to it that you get all the help that you need and do everything that you and your husband possibly can to get back on track. You can be clear about your expectations and you can have each of them met. And at some point, you just have to exhale and know that if the worst should come, then you will handle it then, but you aren’t going to compromise the rest of your life always living with suspicion and walking on eggshells. Only you will know when you’ve reached this point. Usually, quite a bit of healing needs to happen first.