Is Indifference An Effective Way To Get Revenge For An Affair?

I sometimes hear from people who want their cheating spouse to feel some consequences for their actions. They want their spouse to feel guilt, shame, remorse, and sorrow. But, for whatever reason, they have been unable to elicit these responses. Their spouse continues to act defensive or indignant or attempts to shift the blame. As a result, they look for ways to entice their spouse to feel the emotions of guilt that they should just naturally feel.

Someone might say, “honestly, my husband says that he is sorry for the affair, but his actions and behavior just don’t show this. Sometimes, when we are discussing how the affair has affected our family, I will start to cry because I am so upset at what he has done. When I cry, he doesn’t attempt to comfort me. He just gets really uncomfortable and occasionally he will say that he wishes that he could take it back. When I ask him for reassurance that he’s no longer seeing the other person, he replies that he isn’t sure what I want from him, since we are together for most of the day. I want sincerity from him, but it doesn’t appear that I am going to get it. When I talk to my mother about this, she says that the best thing that I can do is be indifferent about him. She says that I should busy myself with the kids and other things and then when I ignore him, he will fall all over himself to apologize and offer me reassurance. Is she right?”

I have seen this strategy work temporarily. But I have also seen it backfire in a big way. Why? Because when you pretend that you don’t care, you’re just playing the same games that your husband is playing and he might respond by shutting down. Or, he might take your indifference as neglect, which in some husband’s minds, is justification to cheat again. Whether this strategy works for you really does depend on if you want to save your marriage. If you don’t, then I see no harm in being indifferent. It won’t matter if he withdraws or retaliates or decides that he doesn’t want to play games. It also won’t matter if he’s sincere but he retreats because he thinks that you don’t care.

But if you do want to save your marriage, the goal is to rebuild a healthy marriage built on honesty. I know that honesty is probably the single most important factor in recovery. I couldn’t bear for my husband to even tell me the tiniest of white lies. I wanted to know the truth about everything. So when you pretend to be indifferent, that’s really not being truthful at a time where you should expect the absolute truth and when it’s important to be transparent.

I know that all of this is asking you to take the high road. But in my experience, the best way to get the behavior that you want from him is to model it yourself. If you act indifferent, sometimes he will mirror your behavior and you’ll get two people who are pretending not to care when in fact they both care very much. This is all a big waste of time and it can cause misunderstandings, which can make things even worse.

I think that it’s possible to turn down the high emotion of the situation without pretending that you just don’t care. For example, the next time you ask him for reassurance and he tells you that he’s with you for most of the day, you might try, “and yet, somehow that is not enough. I really need for you to reassure me that you don’t intend to see her, even if you had the time and ability. I want to know that you are making the choices that are going to strengthen our family. Perhaps you are not ready to give me that, but until I get it, I’m not sure that we’re going to be able to heal. I’m looking for reassurance that I can trust you.”

Then, let it drop. See what he will do. I know that it feels awkward to have to spell it out. But once you do, it’s on him. You’re no longer tap dancing around it and hoping that he will rise to the occasion. You’re telling him what you want and need and giving him the choice as to whether or not he will meet that.

If you are not in counseling or using very good self-help, I’d highly recommend that. Your plan to be indifferent is based on the fact that you aren’t getting what you want and need from him. A counselor or good step-by-step guide would help you to get that much more easily and efficiently than pretending or playing games. Since honesty is such an important part of recovery and restoring the trust, I just can’t advocate pretending. You don’t always have to show all of your emotion. But I don’t think that you want to lie and pretend not to care when you do. Otherwise, you’re just inviting him to do the same and recovery will be very difficult with two people who are pretending.

Getting Over an Emotional Affair – How to Survive Your Affair

Are you struggling and need help getting over an emotional affair? I really hope I can help you out. Surviving your affair is all about one thing: understanding why it happened, and mending the things that were broken. It’s often that we blame the “symptom” as the “reason” for the affair, when it’s nothing more than a “symptom”

The Real Reason Emotional Affairs Happen

An example I want to share is this… Let’s say that Tom & Susan are fighting a lot. They fight all the time, and that “leads” Tom to have an emotional affair. Now, they might both blame the “fighting” as the reason – but it’s not the true reason for the affair. The concept here is you need to find the underlying reasons.

The real reasons that affairs happen are normally one of two things, depending on if the husband or wife was having the affair. It’s boiled down to two very simple things: not feeling appreciated, and not feeling admired.

Why Men Have Affairs 99% Of The Time

Men “need” one thing… And it’s not a skinny waist or a pretty face. Men need, crave, and seek out admiration. They get it from their new-wives for a while, as she bats her eyes and shows him how much she loves him and admires him – but as time passes, it will and usually does slow down. Of course, there’s nobody to blame, as it’s a naturally occurring thing in most couples on earth. But once Tom, in the above example, stops feeling admired at home, he will begin to find it in other places. This leaves him in a very vulnerable state, and almost any woman with the right words can pick him off.

Why Women Have Affairs

Women, just like men, need something very specific – but it’s not admiration. Women need something so simple that it’s overlooked. Appreciation. This is the one thing that women have affairs for. Sure, there might be other reasons that complicate the situation, but this is the core concept. When men start out a relationship, much like women, it’s all sunny and bright in the beginning. He appreciates her, and his little gifts and affection show it. But as time passes, the “appreciation” dries up, and she seeks it elsewhere.

How to Show Appreciation & Admiration & Recapture the Love of Your Relationship

Signs Of An Affair – Body Language Traits Of Affairs

Signs of an affair, the behaviour and body language traits that could mean your partner is thinking of or is being unfaithful. The body and it’s actions do not lie, even if their convincing words do.

If you think you have picked up on signs of an affair, most of the time your probably right. As subconsciously you have noticed a behaviour pattern change. But before you scream “cheat!” lets find out what could be going on and why. Then what do you do about it?

The first thing to do is to think about your relationship. Is your relationship a good one? If your relationship is going through a bad patch then your partner could be looking for ways to feel good. Attention from others could be what they’re after. Many are just happy with the attention but some take it that step too far and become seduced into actions they would otherwise not embark on.

Some even have affairs in relationships they are happy in, what they like is the challenge or the chase for a boost to the ego. Either way you need to know.

For signs of an affair, what you are looking for is a change of behaviour.

  • If your partner is suddenly hiding their phone or it’s always on silent.
  • If your partner is starting to pay more attention to how they look.
  • A sudden interest in going to the gym.
  • Extended periods away from home.
  • More nights out with friends or work that means time away from home.
  • Starting to act and behave younger, such as listening to pop or dance music.
  • Maybe a changed the type of food or drinks that will remind them of their new partner.
  • A loss of interest in sex with you.
  • He or she has started buying you gifts to alleviate guilt.
  • Unusual amounts of time on the internet.
  • They may smell different. Smells transfer very quickly even if perfume has been avoided, you’ll notice a new smell.
  • Making love feels different, suddenly your love making changes. This is because the last memory of this act was with someone who acted differently. This pattern will be stuck in their mind and this pattern will be played it out with you, without either of you knowing.
  • More aggressive behaviour & a sudden loss of respect.
  • Picking arguments out of nothing.
  • Eye patterns are another sign but I will write about this in my next post as this is a big topic.

What you are looking for is a combination of these traits, not just one thing. In isolation these signs of an affair could just be innocent attempts on self-improvement or a different problem such as a health issue.

Start to collect information before you start to accuse or question them.

Affairs is most cases are a sign of discontentment in the relationship, generally they are not in love with this new person, they just like how they feel about themselves when they are with them. If they are bored with their relationship then a new secret sexual partner is very exciting. The individual may not plan the affair it’s just that they are not feeling good about themselves in the context of their current relationship and they start to give off signals that they are available to others without realising.

It’s so critical to ensure your relationship is working and is not being taken for granted. If you spot any of these signs of an affair then try to find out what is going on fast before the person gets so fed up with the relationship that an affair seems like a good idea and the question of breaking from the relationship become a reality in their minds. At that point in the broken relationship the cost of an affair becomes less in their minds.

Whilst very few people think an affair is a something someone should embark on as it’s horrifically destructive, there are emotional reasons why people do it. Very often these actions are regretted and very often the regret is genuine, but that little consolation to the victim, and thus many relationship do not recover. Of course some do and their relationship becomes stronger but this is a very risky strategy to fix your relationship.

If you feel that any of the above describes you or your partner Then you need to make changes fast to the relationship so that an affair never becomes a possibility.